


A Memory Forever in my Heart

by rwleispiach



Series: Notions of Love [3]
Category: Outlander (TV)
Genre: Conversations, Heartbreak, Multi, Other, accept your children, love is love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28395621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwleispiach/pseuds/rwleispiach
Summary: This ficlet is set in the future when Brianna is in highschool.Brianna asks Claire when she realized she liked women and this makes Claire think about her first female love.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp & Brianna Randall Fraser MacKenzie, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Series: Notions of Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023382
Comments: 8
Kudos: 22





	A Memory Forever in my Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This story is very personal and I just hope that others can relate to it, or get something out of it.  
> It's pretty short, ultimately it was just something that I needed to write. 
> 
> Thank you to Catrin for encouraging me to write this months ago and to Elín for all the support and encouragement these last few days because I was and still am very nervous about posting this.
> 
> all mistakes are my own

I was out in the garden when I heard Bree come up behind me. I always knew it was her because she shuffles, even through the grass. 

Nervously she asked, “Mama, Can I ask you a question?” 

“Of course darling, what is it?” 

“Well… um...how did you know that you liked women too?” she asked, staring at the ground. 

I stood up, brushing off my jeans, and walked her over to the hammock underneath two trees. Once we were finally settled I asked “Why?”

“Well, I think I have a crush on a girl in my class.”

“Well, you know that I don’t care who you like, date, or end up with as long as you’re happy. Your Da and I support you no matter what.” I said, wishing that someone had been there to tell me this when I was her age. 

I sat with my thoughts for a little while. I have always been fond of women, there is just something about women that I find intriguing. I tend to have deeper connections with women, have better conversations, and open up with them. There was a moment, more of a period that was very revealing for me. 

“There was a girl at university, who came into my life like a tornado. She just turned my entire life upside down.” I said. 

Sadly we are no longer friends but I still think about her from time to time. I hope she is doing well, has the career and life that she’s always dreamed of.

“Well there was a girl named Annalise,” I started. I wanted to tell her everything so that it could be something that she learned from. I know I did. 

“When I was in university, I studied in France for a semester. Annalise and I were put into the same apartment together. Before going to France we had a couple of classes together, interacted a little but that was it. When we were in France we became fast friends. She tried very hard to be my friend and she succeeded.” 

“ We would go everywhere together, we were partnered for every project, we were bar buddies. We were inseparable. Slowly our friendship became more affectionate.” I paused figuring that she didn’t need to know everything and that I would keep it for myself.

When we would walk home from the bar we would hold hands, fingers interlaced, rubbing each other’s hands with our thumbs. We always danced together, hanging off each other. Eye sex from across the table, like our six roommates, didn’t exist. We’d sit next to each other and one of our hands would find itself on the other thigh. If we were out she’d always lean against my arm, one hand on my back, the other on my arm or playing with my fingers. If I was talking to someone she would come over and just put her arm around my shoulder, mine around her waist. It was comfortable and the most me I had ever felt. 

“But I didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal until I was talking to my friend Gillian. I told her that I thought I liked Annalise but I wasn’t sure. After talking with her that day, I had a lot to think about. Was I really into girls? What would my parents say? Am I going to be judged? Maybe I’m not. Maybe I just liked her.” I told Brianna, I told this because I knew that I was not alone in having these feelings. 

I realized that I was falling hard for this girl. The only thing was, was that she was straight, and was seeing guys, that I constantly had to hear about. It confused me because she always said that she was straight but then she’d be kissing my shoulder the same day. I didn’t want anything about our relationship to change so I decided not to say anything until our time in France came to an end. Even after that I still waited until we were back at Oxford, a couple of months into the next semester. I couldn’t take it anymore, we told each other everything but I was keeping this one secret from her that could change our friendship forever. I had to say something because I wanted her to be mine.

“Finally, I told her and she of course said she didn’t feel the same way but didn’t want to lose me as her best friend.”

We stayed friends and slowly readjusted our friendship. For awhile we were fine but she still wanted the same amount of attention from me and having relationship-level expectations, and that wasn’t fair to me. Our friendship drove me crazy, I let her into my head. After endless sad nights, people telling me to end the friendship, and weighing the pros and cons, I realized that I couldn’t be in that friendship anymore. not because I didn’t love her, care for her, or want the very best for her. But I had to do what was best for me because I was putting too much of myself into it. And at times it felt like she was playing with my emotions. I don’t think she realized that and she did not want to hear it. After many angry text messages I ended it and she decided that she no longer wanted to talk to me. Our friendship began burning with a fiery passion and ended with a burning fire. 

I told Bree all of this. She was just staring at me, with so much care in her eyes. 

“Mama, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. 

“Don’t be darling, she was one of my first loves, even if it wasn’t reciprocated, or she hadn’t sorted out her sexuality. It happened for a reason. and I met your Da, and all the pain I went through was worth it.” I said, pulling her close and rubbing her shoulder.

“I knew I liked her though because I always wanted to be with her, I wanted everything in the world for her, its a different feeling and you’ll know darling. With this girl at school is that how you feel?”

“Yeah, I mean I’ve had a couple of boyfriends and this is how I felt about them. I guess it’s just different because she’s a good friend. Like you, I don’t want to risk ruining that.” she said. 

“Well your father and I were friends first and he took the risk when he asked me to go on a date with him. Sometimes love is worth the risk. That time with her was great and I don’t regret it.” Shifting so that we were looking at each other, I said,” Don’t be in a rush to label yourself. I did that and it caused more anxiety than anything. I identify as pansexual because I fall in love with the person, despite gender or sexuality, I fall for them. So just love who love and take it from there. That doesn’t mean that you won’t get hurt along the way, but you can always, always talk to me about it. “

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> ❤❤❤


End file.
